I've witnessed a lot of anger over the last year or so as our church has been through some very difficult times.
Tonight, I was talking with some friends about anger.
"But anger's not a sin," one of them said. "It's how you behave as a result of anger that becomes wrong."
"True," I said. "But if anger becomes a choice, a way of life, then it's a sin. That's why it's one of the seven deadly sins."
They agreed, but in our brief discussion, I knew we were only telling part of the story. I went google-hunting for good reflections on anger.
My favorite is this article by Phil Snyder. I'm going to quote a short part of it below.
There are different types of anger.
Resentment is the refusal to discern, accept, or fulfill God's vocation for you. Resentment leads to dissatisfaction with your God-given talents, opportunities, or abilities. It can lead to unwillingness to face up to difficulties or sacrifices required to fulfill your vocation. Resentment leads to transferring blame to God, our parents, or families, our bosses or anyone else for the reasons behind our failures. Resentment shows itself in cynicism, profanity, grumbling and a desire to escape from reality.
Pugnacity is an attack upon another in anger. It can be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Murder by desire (and remember, that saying "you fool" or "raca" is murder by desire) or deed. Striking another, cursing another, insulting another, or damaging an other's reputation by words and deeds. Arguing, bickering, contradicting others to get your own point across, being rude or snubbing others are all forms of pugnacity. It is more than just hitting another, it is the desire or will to cause harm to others...
Another form of Anger is Retaliation. It is vengeance (actual or planned) for wrongs real or imagined. It is giving excessive punishment out of a desire to hurt, not discipline. Hostility, sullenness, and rash judgment. Refusal to forgive or to offer or accept reconciliation. Unwillingness to love your enemies, to seek their good or to pray for them. Retaliation shows itself in ostracising others and getting others to join you in cutting someone off from the group to make you feel better. Putting others down so you can feel better about yourself. Refusing to join in the groups activities simply because you did not get your way. Feeling superior to others.
Thank you, Phil! When we are living through situations in which we are surrounded by angry people, and may be tempted to act on our anger, this kind of understanding is priceless. It can help us be thoughtful peacemakers instead of instinctive reactors. One more sobering thought--the definition of a deadly sin is that it kills grace and charity in the human soul.
Question for you: What do you do to control your behavior when you are angry?
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10 comments:
I love that definition of a deadly sin at the end. That really cuts to the heart of the matter. I definitely don't want to be that person.
thought-provoking stuff, Rosslyn.
God gets angry, but his anger is righteous.
I get angry. And while some of it might be righteous (like my anger over unjust things), most often it stems from selfishness.
I want something to go one way, and it's not. So I get angry.
"To err is human, to forgive divine." Alexander Pope.
I think it could be changed to say, "To get angry is human, to not react negatively takes the help of God." TC Avey.
For me, it takes a while before I actually "get angry", but when I do...I am angry. Before I get to the stage where I want to vent, I try to pray. I pray for the situation, for anyone who upset me, for myself. Often I find that when I pray the steam in the situation is gone. Prayer definitely helps.
I shut my mouth.
I used to be a yeller. Not so much anymore. I've learned it's not worth it.
I shut my mouth until I can think of the right way to react.
~ Wendy
I think there is much to be mined from the word, 'habit.' We reinforce certain reactions when we repeat them and, eventually, become subject to them.
I have a very strong reaction against anger when I see it in others. It makes me uncomfortable and it upsets the status quo in relating. I'm not intimate with any angry people, I myself do not practice anger as a reaction and, I can't say this with certainty, but I think the habit of not getting angry has been both contagious and strengthening.
People talk about God's righteous anger all of the time but the bottom line is that Jesus turned the other cheek. I don't think this means that Christians should lay their face bare to be struck. I, in fact, was at one time in a relationship in which I was struck repeatedly in the face and I simply left. I think it does mean, though, that if we cultivate the habit-- there's that word, again-- of reacting to the difficult and painful situations in life with the awareness that this hurt is momentary, my emotional construction is a house I am building brick by brick, we will think a bit more about our materials.
Superb post, Rosslyn.
Heather - I know what you mean! I feel the same way. And I was that person, unwittingly, fifteen years ago.
Katie - It's hard not to get angry when something is unjust, or when we see a pointless waste or petty cruelty. The only problem is (and I know you know this, but I think it's interesting so I'm going to blab) that almost everyone who sins through anger is convinced that his/her anger is the righteous kind. After observing this, I had to set aside whether or not the anger is "righteous" in my eyes as a moot point. If my "righteous" anger leads to unrighteous behavior, I'm in the wrong.
TC, I like that. Praying or reading often helps me too. And it's so much healthier to feel that steam escaping up into infinite goodness than to let it out down here and worsen the greenhouse effect.
Wendy, that usually works for me too. I also like to hermit myself away in my house if I'm having such a hard time that I think my self-control is thin.
Suze, I love your thoughts here and your use of the word 'habit.' I do find that cultivating habits helps, and it helps even more to have a few people in one's life who encourage the growth of those habits. I actually did something tonight that led me to feel I had made progress in cultivating a certain positive habit, something not at all like the twenty-year-old me. It only took twenty years to get here. :-)
An interesting and important post, Rosslyn. I think the more we understand this emotion, the better equipped we are to react to life's unpleasant situations in a healthier way.
I agree with Suze in that anger can become a bad habit. And it's so hard to break from it! (In many cases, anger is learned early on in our lives, and we just mimic what we see at home.) What has helped me deal with my anger better has been learning that it's actually a secondary emotion--a reaction masking feelings of hurt, embarrassment, rejection, frustration, etc. Knowing this helps me identify and tackle the real problem.
Here's a graph that illustrates it better:
http://www.creducation.org/resources/anger_management/anger__a_secondary_emotion.html
Sorry, the link is not coming out here. I'll send it to your inbox.
Rosslyn, this is a thought-provoking post.
One thing I learned from a counselor years ago, and I think she is right... underneath all anger is hurt. And the correct response to hurt is not to lash out, but to cry or grieve.
Having said that, I think there is something to be said about allowing ourselves the full range of human emotion...and anger is one of those. And I do think there is something to be said about righteous anger... if we know a child is being abused, we want to hold the abuser responsible for harming an innocent child, which is the appropriate response. Without this righteous anger, we may not have the courage to be an advocate for the child and do our best to end the abuse.
Something else I've found over the years... if I'm feeling angry, I examine where that comes from. It often leads me to clarify issues that could stay murky if I didn't allow myself to feel the anger at all... and to make matters worse, if I deny myself those angry feelings, it comes out in twisted or passive-aggressive ways. If I'm upset with someone, I find it far better to make requests rather than accusations. "Will you please remove your shoes since I just vacuumed the rug" is so much easier on the ears and the psyche than "You ALWAYS wear your dirty shoes on the rug, but you NEVER vacuum it!"
Another thing I learned from the same counselor... she claimed that sometimes the only way out is through. Sometimes I REALLY want to go around... but avoiding pain is like avoiding life.
The thirties have been far better than the twenties. I'm expecting the forties will be even better. I'm sure you twenty years ago would be quite happy with you, now. :)
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