We're headed into the home stretch of our women's study of Esther.
I've been facilitating one of the small group discussions for the last couple of weeks. This is not an arduous task, as there are lots of questions scattered through the workbook that make for great discussion.
We did have a good discussion, and several group members contributed valuable thoughts. Overall, I really enjoyed it.
I don't want anyone to give "too-much-information" in a setting that isn't appropriate. For example, if a woman's husband is currently cheating on her (or vice versa), there are better places to try to deal with that than a small group study! Even specific marital problems that are more minor than adultery need to be handled with utmost discretion. But our PASTS are usually fertile ground for discussions that aren't quite as dicey as bringing up current problems. If someone asks "Can you think of a situation in your past in which you experienced such-and-such a spiritual phenomenon," there should be at least one or two questions that we summon the courage to tackle. Anyone who has ever experienced a good application study knows that hearing about another person's spiritual journey is tremendously helpful as we continue on our own.
I believe that we absolutely must be open with one another about our struggles, even if we are selective and appropriately discreet about what we share. A commitment to openness is mandatory, not optional, if we want to create a true Christian community.
After ten years of agnosticism, I returned to faith in part because I witnessed real Christian community and authentic spirituality. I recognized something supernatural in a number of believers I met--in some cases, in entire churches. As Luke said in yesterday's comments, there was a distinctive between these Christians I met and the rest of the world.
The hallmarks of the difference that opened my once-blind eyes were:
LOVE
HUMILITY
TRANSPARENCY
And this is why I'm so passionate about transparency. Yes, it's frightening. Yes, all of us have had unpleasant experiences when someone we trusted to keep our affairs private betrayed that trust. But more of us must abandon our need for "saving face," and more of us must understand that witnessing to ANYONE requires the willingness to show who we really are. Telling someone "I've received grace beyond compare" means nothing to them unless I actually explain in at least some detail how I once lived, and why I was not perfectly fine just the way I was.
I have observed a number of churches in my four recent relocations. Every one of those churches contained at least a few wonderful imitators of Christ--no church is without its great examples. But the successful, loving, transformative churches were filled with members who were transparent and humble. The unsuccessful, much-like-any-other-worldly-institution churches contained a large number of people who were not transparent and at least a few who were firmly entrenched in worldly pride.
We can't fool ourselves. Church communities are not supposed to look like the rest of life. Instead of arguing about superficial details and trying to make radical changes in our "marketing," we need to get real. Just like Kevin Roose, people will know real love and real community when they see it. So if I'm not being real, if I'm not being transparent, if I'm not loving every person who comes to my church and giving to her a servant heart and true friendship, then I am the problem with my church.
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7 comments:
That is a hard struggle for a group to conquer, I think. For most people it takes a lot of humility and trust in those in the group to share who they really are. One of the things we've been doing in our women's ministry to help facilitate true fellowship and authenticity is having a few women share their testimonies at our annual retreat each year. There are women with unbelievable stories in our church, and unless they have a platform to share their stories, we all just keep walking by one another giving surface greetings and go on our way. A couple of years ago Nathan and I shared some very painful things going on in our lives with our ABF - one of the newer believers just told Nathan that that was one of their first weeks in church and he was floored at what we were sharing - changed his perspective of Christians being free of "issues!"
If you haven't heard Casting Crowns "Stained Glass Masquerade," it's very applicable! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRUJrjUGGfg
Wow, wow, wow, Rosslyn! I think this is one of your best posts yet. I love your commitment to pursuing and promoting true Christian community.
...Although, I'm feeling convicted. I was all ready to wax eloquent about my assessment of this topic. Then it came to the "I am the problem" part of the post. Ouch. I can see where that fits me at times. As a family who's been in ministry for 15 years, we learned early on in small ways that you have to be really careful about how much you share about yourself. Many ministers and spouses (like many other Christians) strive to be strong Christians, but often are leery of getting burned again by opening up personally. It can be lonely. Your words remind me that I can't subconsciously hide behind that excuse; I must be an example of appropriate, authentic transparency. Thanks for sharing (and sorry about hijacking the blog!).
Sometimes I think well meaning "marketing" is part of the problem. How often have we heard that church going couples are a certain percentage less likely to get divorced, etc. It seems to promote a guarantee mentality. In other words, if I follow a Christian life, I will have a water tight marriage, fantastic kids, etc.
So I think we are less likely to admit when things are wrong because on some level we think that if we were really good Christians we wouldn't be having these problems in the first place. I know that I was surprised at the troubles at times in my own relationships came often wehn I felt closest in my walk with Christ.
Through transparency in community I think we can get past this mistaken thinking. Authentic faith isn't an insurance policy against the pains of the world, it is a lovely journey that meets you where you are...each day.
And even more incredible thoughts! Love it!
You are absolutely right: Being open about where you've been is essential to helping others.
And I hope that I am growing in my humility.
The issue for me is that most of my big problems are where I am now. I would love to hear your thoughts on how best to use those to build community and spur one another on to following Christ, especially in those areas where I fail to do so miserably. There is something to be said for God's continued grace in my blatant failures to follow Him, but it's not nearly as inspiring as, "I once was lost, but now I'm found..."
~Luke
Sometimes, being defensive is about as real as we can be. It would be really neat if we could all be entirely transparent, but we would probably want to learn manners first. ;)
To be transparent and honest about our struggles, whether past or present, is to expose ourselves as normal people. I know a lot of Christians who believe their faith renders them immune to the sorts of problems that inflict others. And when those problems come, they choose to suffer in silence rather than seek help.
That, I think, is a tragedy. Because no matter how much the Son shines upon us, it's still going to rain sometimes.
Kristi - it sounds like you're making good progress at your church - I'm so happy to hear that. And I'm about to go check out the song, which has an excellent title.
Alison - I really feel for ministers. They and their wives are in such a difficult position when it comes to deciding what to share and what to keep private. But I do think that following the disclosing-past-problems guideline can help with that. (And don't even worry about hijacking. I'm the queen of hijackers, regularly posting comments MUCH longer than you did here, and I actually like it when people care about something enough to go on at length.)
Susan - What a beautiful last thought and sentence in your comment.
Luke - When communities get *really* great, you can even share what's actually going on in your life right now (gasp!). :-) But my approach to how to find spiritual communion in a community that's not quite ready is to start small. You have to pick one or two people whose goodness and discretion are rock-solid, and start a coffee-night group where you just get together and talk. (Even then, you still need to avoid sharing certain types of info.) I highly recommend the book "Stop the Runaway Conversation" by Michael Sedler for guidelines on how to keep speech pure and positive even when it's totally "real." If you can build a cell of three guys who can speak in a godly but authentic manner, then it becomes easier for those foundational members to model for incoming new members of the group what a brotherhood of believers looks like. (I also think these groups should always be single-sex, for reasons that may be obvious.)
Hoyt - LOL, with a tinge of rue! Good point.
Billy - Preach it. :-)
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